Know Your Limits: Why Understanding Your Boundaries Is So Important

Boundaries are the often unspoken limits and rules that govern the decisions we make about our closeness and openness to others.  Boundaries can be tricky to navigate because we often only become aware of them when they are violated.  They also vary based on factors like culture,  setting, power differentials, type and length of the relationship involved.  Let’s break down the different types of boundaries we all have, as well as some signs of healthy and unhealthy boundaries to consider as you evaluate your own boundaries.

Types of Boundaries

EMOTIONAL

Emotional boundaries guide decisions about when, where, and with whom you share your emotions.  They also encompass the decisions you make about how you deal with other people’s feelings.

Healthy emotional boundaries can look and sound  like:

• Sharing vulnerable feelings with people you trust
• Asking for and accepting support from others when you need it
• Making decisions about what you share based on the situation, relationship, level of trust and safety

Unhealthy emotional boundaries can look like:

• Trusting everyone, or trusting no one
• Bottling up your feelings and having difficulty asking for help or support
• Consistently putting others’ emotional needs before your own
• Allowing others to tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel

PHYSICAL

Physical boundaries govern your decisions about physical touch and your proximity to others.  Physical boundaries are about safety. Our bodies send us warning signals when our physical boundaries are violated, often before we are consciously aware of the reason for our discomfort.

Healthy physical boundaries can look like:

• Recognizing and respecting others’ space bubbles
• Setting limits when someone invades your personal space
• Adjusting your physical boundaries based on your level of trust, safety and intimacy with the other person

Unhealthy physical boundaries can look like:

• Ignoring others’ verbal or non-verbal indications of discomfort with your proximity or touch
• Difficulty setting limits when someone violates your physical boundaries
• When physical affection does not match the level of emotional intimacy of the relationship

SEXUAL

Sexual boundaries are a complex combination of physical and emotional boundaries.  Sexual boundaries can be difficult to identify for ourselves and to discuss with someone else.  Intimacy and sex are complicated by socio-cultural expectations, religious or moral beliefs, your relationship with your body, your sexual history, and your relationship with the other person involved.

Healthy sexual boundaries can look like:

• Knowing what your desires and limits are and communicating those clearly with your partner
• Awareness and respect of your partner’s desires and limits.
• Yes means yes, or affirmative consent. Affirmative consent is informed (I know what I’m agreeing to) mutual (we are both consenting), voluntary (I want to do this), continuous (my partner and I are checking in with each other throughout, not just at the beginning) and communicated explicitly (I am giving and getting an enthusiastic yes)

Unhealthy sexual boundaries can look like:

• Being sexual for your partner, not yourself
• Going against your personal values, morals, and beliefs to please your partner
• Ignoring verbal and non-verbal cues from your partner
• Using drugs or alcohol to lower your inhibitions or do things you wouldn’t do sober

TIME

Our boundaries around time dictate how we choose to spend our time, and how we allow others to take up our time.

Healthy time boundaries can look like:

• Being flexible and responsive to others needs when the situation calls for it
• Ability to prioritize your tasks and needs over others when needed
• Being responsive when others communicate their time constraints

Unhealthy time boundaries can look like:

• Inattentiveness to verbal and non-verbal cues that you are overstaying your welcome
• Prioritizing your time based on others’ needs without regard for your own
• Small changes to your schedule to accommodate others’ needs causing anger or anxiety

MATERIAL

The decisions that you make about your belongings and your money are set by your material boundaries.  This includes the amount of time you are willing to lend things out and the condition you expect them to be in when they are returned. Healthy material boundaries can look like:

Healthy material boundaries can look like:

• Setting expectations when you let someone borrow your belongings
• Returning things in good condition that you have borrowed
• Spending money you don’t have to keep up with the spending habits of others

Unhealthy material boundaries can look like:

• Giving away possessions or lending out things that are important to you because you don’t feel comfortable saying no
• Difficulty setting limits around spending money
• Not expecting people to fix or replace belongings that they borrowed and damaged      

Clearly communicating your boundaries with others can go a long way in reducing conflict and improving relationships.  When we do not communicate our boundaries in an effort to accommodate others it can lead to growing frustration as the other person unknowingly violates them.  By knowing and sharing your boundaries you are creating a mutually respectful space.